Normally, I am a calm guy. Normally, I have respect for others. Normally, I am a pleaser - a person who enjoy the company of others. Lately, I have found new feelings inside of me. The dark side of Knut is emerging and I am not sure if I like it.

Aggression - What is that? A perplexing phenomenon with the intention of cause harm or pain. Do I want to cause harm or pain? Definitely! Am I an aggressive person? Definitely - not!

Why does this feeling appear? Why am I motivated to inflict pain on other people? I wish I were more enlightened in the science of psychology, but I hope someone can help me out. My normally calm behaviour has turned for the worse. Violence seems like an option in certain situations.

Walking the streets of Quito in Ecuador, is actually not a grand experience. I can’t really figure out this country. Normally people I talk to have experiences about a country, but not this time. It seems like people just pass through this country. It is a country with a red and yellow line - the fake and real line of Equator. Someone miscalculated the equator some hundred years ago and the monument outside of the capitol of Ecuador has not been moved. Seeing it was a weird sensation but aggression was definitely not a part of it.

I guess that a constant negative influence by moneygreedy individuals make a huge impact on a person. Particularly when the person is myself. The impact on moneygreedy individuals really gets to me. I need to find a way to handle it - or get away from it.

Talking to people is my favourite occupation for the moment, but sometimes the people I talk to really show me that the world is an annoying place. My last encounter was with two prostitutes. With no intentions of exchanging money with these individuals, I found myself in a situation where we exchanged words. Walking on the streets, prostitutes are actually not a common sight in Quito, but the number of women that previously have been males are actually astonishing. Not as Thailand, though. They are predators and gringos are their preferred victims. They follow you. Even though I really don’t understand who actually buys their services, a conversation can sometimes be fun and it does not cost any money.

Quito is gringo central. I don’t even feel like I am in a different country than home. I don’t even feel I am on a different continent than Europe. I don’t approve. I really dislike it massively but that does not make it impossible to party a bit. Especially when the hostel I am staying have “Rum and coke nights” where alcohol is free. Drinking a bit, getting a bit drunk and go out for a bit is what one do on these nights. Did I join? Yes. Did I get drunk? Yes.

When being drunk, the conversation with the two shemale prostitutes seemed closer than normal and to be honest, I don’t really remember or care who actually initiated the conversation. I have been followed by so many prostitutes so far on my trip, that one encounter kind of blends in with the other. What we talked about is not of any importance, cause the conversation did not last for long. The wanted my money and tried to push their fake boobs far into my very own sphere of privacy. When one of the shemales suddenly turned away and left me with the other one, I started suspecting that something was wrong. Checking my pockets, I realized that my money was gone. Being far from an easy target for them, the urge to retaliate almost exploded in my body and mind.

He/she/it only got away with $15 but I honestly hate being exploited - especially when it happens right in front of my eyes. I know being pickpocketed is very common in South America but that doesn’t make it more easy to accept. No one can convince me, that stealing other peoples money is allright. I condemn this behaviour and this time, my patience ended. I am not a violent person, but when I discovered the empty pocket I actually understand what people mean, when they state that they just exploded. For the first time in my life, I exploded with the intention of hurting an other person. Grabbing the arm of the shemale, she probably realized that I had discovered their little trick. Obviously panicking, she started screaming for help. I honestly didn’t care if I were standing in the middle of a very crowded street or if a madly oversized pimp appeared behind me - I wanted my money back. $15 is not much, but when people steal from you or try to swindle money of you on a daily basis, it is a matter of principle. Give me my fucking money back, you bitch. Grabbing her hair, forcing her head onto the hood of the nearest car, my anger raised to levels I didn’t even know existed in me. With no real intention of hurting, I still inflicted as much pain as possible without actually hitting, kicking or biting. In hindsight, I wish I had been more persistent. She somehow managed to get away from my grip and ran away. Not knowing whether to laugh at her/him/it or not I stayed put. I tried to chase her - but only walking fast in the same direction. What I would have done if I saw her again I don’t know. Anger is an emotion hard to explain and the things that you do, think, say and actually exert is even more unexplainable. I lost my sense of direction and I lost my common sense.

The thing is, that I wanted to hurt this shemale for all the robberies that I have been through on this trip. That is not acceptable. I seriosly wanted revenge and I still do. Being here is not good for me, because my limit has been reached. I need to learn how get away from situations where these things can happen. He/she/it is just a person with an intention to live. I will never approve of the way she does it, but it should be easy for me to get away from the path of life of her beings. Call them prostitues, killers, robbers, rapists or whatever - I should just avoid them. It should be easy. But if I avoid people of a certain character, wouldn’t that have an effect on my trip? I hate being around gringos. I hate being around the same kind of persons that I see everyday at home. I want to see South America from an angle different than what you see on TV and what you hear about. But just because I have this desire, I shouldn’t be more afraid of being robbed. There is seriously something wrong with this world. Or me.

My new found feeling of intentionally hurting another person needs to be directed elsewhere. I can’t let this happen again. It could get me into trouble. You never know what kind of defense other people have. Guns, knives, spray, bodybuilders or friends. I don’t have any of these lines of defense and I should learn how to step carefully. I need to find a way to fulfill my desires without stepping into danger.

However wrong I think it was of me to hurt another person, it felt good, though. I wish I smashed her head more violently onto the car. Make her bleed. I wish I smashed my fist into her face, ruining more than the make-up she was wearing. I wish I did the same with the other shemale. Do I like it? No - but they are still feelings I have and I just learn from them and use the energy otherwise.

Bitch! I hope I don’t see you again.