Venezuela is definately a wonderful country and the trip to "los llanos" absolutely gave sights I did not imagine. But I won’t remember the trip for holding my very first Anaconda, fishing for Piranas, hunting for Caymans, rafting or swimming with dolphins. I witnessed a hunt and a phenomenon I have only heard of before.

Los llanos is the Venezuelan flatland and consist mainly of plains, plains, water, some plains, water and a few more plains (+ water). I know I have used the term "in the middle of nowhere" earlier, but I apologize for using that term. I have never been so isolated and so far from civilization before. 3 hours (very fast) drive from the ranch we stayed at to the nearest town, no electricity, no phone and literally no neighbours. I don’t mind, though - it was fantastic. I have never ever imagined standing at any spot, looking 360 degrees around me and not see anything else than the horisont and an occational tree sticking up from the ground. The phrase "as far as the eye can see" gets a different meaning in los llanos, because the eye can see undisturbed to whatever its capacity. Unfortunately it is the rainy season down here, which basically means that it will rain heavily, which again means that los llanos will fill up with even more water and unfortunately the water ruined some of the activities we should have done. Despite of this, my trip had a bad start and it could not have gotten worse (apart from me being eaten by the Anaconda).

I had the "pleasure" to meet three different species at a very early stage, and two of them I knew vaguely from rumors:

• Muchos Machos Latinos Loverius
• Immaturus Pubertus Innocentus Girlus
• Immaturus Disastrus Gigantus Americanos Arrogantos Richus

The thing is, that the Muchos Machos Latinos Loverius (which actually was my guide) normally hunts for species like the Immaturus Pubertus Innocentus Girlus and this is the hunt that I was a spectator of. And what can I say … it is a natural phenomenon and we don’t have to understand it - we just have to accept it for what it is. On the other hand, this was the first time I actually witnessed the hunt up close and to be honest, I didn’t think it would be that a sad of a sight. The last phenomenon caught me off guard, though. First I will try to explain the 3 species:

Muchos Machos Latinos Loverius:
A warmblooded species living in most of South America, but also southern parts of Europe. They normally don’t work to hard for their living and are very fond of hunting females. Their vocabulary consist mainly of phrases like "you are so beautiful", "you want my phone number", "ai ai ai" and "you and me, girl" and are normally shouted out loud with a very strong accent, which many females actually find attractive. They normally give a ridiculous amount of attention to the females and this is what terminates the hunt in most cases: the females give in to the constant pressure and feeds the Muchus Machos Latinos Loverius’ ego. The species is insatiable when it comes to females and often attacks several at the time, to be sure to capture its prey. The text will refer to this species, as Julio

Immaturus Pubertus Innocentus Girlus:
This species is actually a very common species around the world and its most common characteristics, is constant giggling. The specimen that I actually encountered, origined from Quebec, Canada and had a very, VERY distinct French way of speaking. This species never take the initiative to a conversation, never replies to questions with more than short answers, always stick together with another kind of same sex and does not do much than giggle as their primary way of communicating. The text will refer to this species, as The Canadian girls

Immaturus Disastrus Gigantus Americanos Arrogantos Richus:
This is an endangered species and will mostly be found in relatively large quantities around the expensive universities in the United States. They have mostly had a deprived childhood and have no social skills whatsoever. Everything they do "naturally" is the result of years and years of indoctrination of certain "values", "moral", "ethics" and "feelings". The quotes are used because the actual meaning (known by the common man) of these words is devaluated enormously, when used around this species. To this species, factual knowledge is a fuel and correcting other human beings is an everyday routine. "Winning" is the only way to participate in the society and/or competitions and the reward will always be used to gloat. The text will refer to this species, as ID GAAR

Now - I mentioned that the trip started off badly, and the above explains some of it. I realised that I was on a return trip to the purgatory when ID GAAR asked the Canadian girls where they came from, while I was having breakfast nearby, and what they did back home. They answered using single word sentences only and I knew I were in deep shit. The thing is, that I had encountered ID GAAR some days earlier, and was not at all pleased to go on this trip with it, but I hoped that the other tour participants would be a bit more joyful. I couldn’t have been more wrong. From the moment we sat into the car, I knew that Julio would start the hunt for the Canadian girls and that I would have no intelligent conversation during this 4 days trip (it seemed like 4 weeks, to be honest). The only thing that surprised me with the hunt, was how persistent Julio actually was. Any normal guy (well … at least me) would give up hunting, when a female don’t respond to the courtesy. The Canadian girls definately scored high on the "immature" scale as they very much acted like they were 15 years of age and this actually triggered another behavior in Julio which was kind of amazing to witness: he played the role of a 15 year old male. He was doing everything, and I mean everything, that I did when I was 15, and tried to get in contact with a girl. Being enormously childish, tickling, giggling, accidentally touching, looking emotionless into their eyes and not talk about anything became Julio’s primary hunting equipment. He magically managed to remove 15 years from his life, and become a 15 year old boy to be able to hunt for a very immature 22 year old Canadian girl. And did he succeed? Yes, he did, but it was painstaking beeing a spectator. Whenever Julio wanted to kiss the girl, she turned away, whenever Julio wanted to touch the girls hand, she would remove her hand and whenever Julio tried to make "serious" eye contact, the Canadian girl would try to get eye contact with the other Canadian girl - and off course … all the time giggling. Witnessing every twist and turn from the girl, who did not seem interested at all during 3 whole days, was a cruel, unnecessary and bad, yet fascinating part of the trip. Julio - the girl obviously have no interest in you, so why keep on?

Only to discover, that the other girl hooked up with a Venezuelan guy at the ranch the 2nd day, I found myself in even deeper shit than previously imagined. Now I was stuck with ID GAAR for entertainment, as The Canadian girls were kind of occupied and to be 100% honest - I have never ever in my whole life, been that quiet for that many hours. Every conversation I had, was in questions: "what are we doing next?", "what is this?", "should I bring anything?" and the worst part of the whole trip was, that I had to re-invent the questions so it would seem that I had some sort of intelligence and not just ask the same questions every day in the same sequence. Why did I have to do this? Well - let me elaborate on the specimen of ID GAAR that I encountered:

He looks like a cross between Mr. Bean, the Michelin man, Frasier Crane, the common American tourist and a 13 year old boy. He had social skills of a African Bullfrog and the laughter of a hilarious Monthy Python character. His range of facial expressions were non-existing and whatever he did, wherever he was or however exited he was, he looked like the content Mr. Bean: slightly open eyes and a goofy smile on his face. I could be writing endlessly about ID GAAR but I will do it short, to give an impression of my ordeals:

- He is 19 years old, apparently from a "proper" family with a decent amount of money. He is name dropping the name of the university he attends and expects me to be impressed. Whenever he is asked where he is from, he names all the cities where the family has houses or apartments and eats with a raised little finger.

- He is constantly giving off factual knowledge, even if he is not asked for it. He is talking arrogantly, starting many sentences with "well …", he portraits himself as a man of huge knowledge and even tried to explain to me, which number that would come after 8 and what "Si" actually meant in Spanish (after spending 2-3 weeks here, I guess I would know). During a boat ride on the river in los llanos, I saw a spider walking on the water. That was the first time I saw this kind of spider and said pretty exited "hey … look - a spider walking a the water". His reply?? This: "well … do you know how he does that? (no pause) It is carrying small bubbles of air under his feet".

- He is travelling with a suitcase (!!!) in the jungle. I know, that we didn’t really go to the jungle, but it is kind of the same. And I would bet that if he actually went to the jungle, he would still travel with a suitcase.

- He brought a flashlight, which every traveller has, in some form or another. The thing that made his flashlight stick out, was the fact that it had a build-in radio and some sort of alarm signal. He was not able to get any sound from the radio by using the preset stations and concluded that we obviously must be in a place without reception (even though we actually have heard radio since we arrived). Whenever I asked him about what the alarm signal was for, he replied "in case I need to be rescued". And to be honest - if I heard this noise anywhere, the last thing I would think of, was that someone needed to get rescued.

- He spent his first 10 minutes at the ranch trying to understand that it actually was no electricity in the area and at the same time trying to let us know, that even in the most rural parts of USA have electricity. His comment on returning to "civilization", the first thing to do, was to check his mail.

- When playing cards, he would gloat when winning and let everybody know, in a very arrogant tone, that "oh - what a shame that I won" but when he could see he was losing, he didn’t want to play any more. It was during this card game, that he tried to explain to me, that 9 actually was the next number after 8. He would also try to play cards like any magician would do. Very esthetically, lifting his little finger when flipping over cards and lifting one eyebrow while looking at you as to hold everyone in suspense.

- He is actually the first (and probably the only) 19 year old person wearing a sunhat that were strapped around his cheeks at ALL times.

- When floating through the fantastic nature during our boatride, he would spend most of his time looking at the floor of the boat and not care much for the Caymans, turtles, birds, monkeys or other kinds of animals we say. When searching for the Anaconda, he would spend 10 minutes looking at a small tree, poking or hitting the tree with his stick or just stand in the middle of an open area, with just grass, looking at the ground and support his body with his stick. The picture is taken at a farm in the middle of nowhere, 5 hours to the nearest town and they lived off the land. The farm itself isn’t that interesting, but click on the image and look at the left side of the image. Here, ID GAAR is standing as a passive bystander, and doing what? Kicking dirt?? This was his primary activity.

- He was wearing his headlight, turned on, at all times after it got dark even if the generator produced more enough power for the dozens of lightbulbs around the ranch - and the ranch was pretty illuminated. He actually came out of the shower wearing it once. I didn’t know if I should cry or fall out of my hammock laughing.

- After fishing for Piranas, we got them cooked for supper. They basically just removed the organs and deepfried the whole fish with eyes, teeth and the works. When I arrived for supper, that was the first thing I tried to taste. Most people I know would have done the same, if it was the first time they had a chance to try tasting something they caught for the first time in their life. I would assume that is a natural or normal behavior, but not for this guy. After eating his whole meal he took a Pirana, removed some of the deepfried skin, so he would expose the white flesh, took a tiny piece of meat and ate it - and that concluded his tasting of the fish followed by the comment: "this is the first time in my life, that I see a whole fish".

- We would start talking about music at some point and I told him that I used to play very actively for many years. And of course he had to "top" that, by letting me know that he had been an active violin player for many years and that he was playing it competitively and he would also play in symphony orchestras - and off course he played 1st violin … or 1st chair as he quickly corrected himself.

- Everything we talked about (and it was not a lot) had to be topped. I was letting him know, that I really wanted to have laser surgery so I can get rid of my glasses and I said to him that Columbia were supposed to have a really good reputation for getting it done quickly and cheaply. His reply to this, was: "when it comes to surgery like that, the doctors background, university or location have no relevance. The only thing that matters, is how many operations he has performed. I myself will go to a friend of my fathers to get the surgery done, when my eyesight settles down. My fathers friend is one of the inventors of the technology they use for this kind of surgery and he has performed more than 5000 operations of this kind. And off course - I will get it for free".

- I am 100% sure, that he would go on this trip to los llanos, just to be able to say "been there, done that" to his friends back home. He did not at any point participate actively in anything and watching him sit in the raft, while rafting a level 3 river, tickling the water with his paddle made me want to throw him over board. When catching the Anaconda, we were asked if we wanted to have it around the neck. I replied quickly "YES" and he said "I’m not doing that". When he realised that he would be the only one in the group that wouldn’t have a picture taken wearing the reptile, he reluctantly changed his mind - and believe me when I say, that I am sorry that I didn’t get the scene on video, cause the few seconds with a snake on his neck displayed every facial expression he was capable of, every gesture with his hand and body and every vocal capability he had. He would constantly talk in the same monotone voice, except when he was laughing - thats where the hysterical laughter of a 13 year old boy surfaced. I will post a picture of the guy, though, even if it normally is against my values to expose a person in this way, but he ruined so much of my trip, that I need to share it. He also said after the trip, that the rafting was the favorite part. Come on - rafting is something that you can do in USA, dude … why not try to absorb some of the amazing nature you had a chance to see and experience??

I must say - keeping a calm temper when you’re around an ID GAAR is hard and believe me when I say that sometimes I wanted to hit him so hard, that he could get a grasp of life, but I managed to calm myself and not spend any energy on this phenomenon. He was a waste of time and space and thanks for beeing a big part of ruining my trip!!

I have complained to to tour guide, cause the guide was not at all professional, but my expectations for getting some of my money back are not very high. I don’t think the word "discount" has a meaning here in South America. I am amazed, though, that I constantly keep attracting these deviants of human kind. Just before I left, I met this other American guy: a 45-50 year old guy whose only goal in this part of his life, was to wander the streets of South America looking for a wife. Ken was another phenomenon I could spend hours writing about but this is just all too surreal. What kind of freakish world do I live in? Where are all the normal people that I can have a normal conversation with? What is normal and how come my perception of normal, is always put to the test?